is it meant to be?

Honestly thought I have improved, and am stronger, and more capable of managing my emotions now. But it turns out, as shown through last night's episode, that I am indeed still lacking a lot in this department. It's not that I don't have the means to solve problems thrown at me. I know I can, but I tend to let my stress levels eat me up, and my emotions to run me down. The bottom line, is actually that I think too much. About things that I honestly should not let affect me.

I guess, one thing I need to overcome the most is the monster in my brain. That monster that keeps me thinking thoughts that are wholly unnecessary, that makes me upset when I don't even need to be, because I could just as well view any issue in an entirely opposite light, but I choose to think of the worse case scenario. Which, probably might not even be what is happening in fact.

However though, last night has led me to think, if this is really the path I should take in the future. As much as I do enjoy it, I tend to be afraid, and swallow myself up. And like I did say, my emotions are always running amok, which may not be the best for me. I suppose, I do need to revaluate myself, and what I want for myself in life. Be it personally, as an individual, or even just for the general future ahead of me.

One thing I know for certain, is that I need to stop being so soft, and be firm with my words and actions. To be more confident, and sure of myself. There's a lot I can change, and a lot I need to work on, but baby steps. Knowing what my main issues are at least, would allow me to make baby steps I need to improve myself.

rollercoaster

It's not easy knowing that I spent 10 years of my life in a place, and walking out of there without any true friend by my side, and I guess, just recently, I've came to that realisation that whatever I do, it will not bring back the past, and what's gone is gone. There is no going back to those young and ignorant days of mine, trying to make things better, and all I can do for now is to just move on and look forward, and try to make my life in its current stage better and more fulfilling. To treasure those around me even more, and to spend more time with them, as much as I can. And even if I am someone who don't often text people, that I should still contact them every once in awhile to show them that I still do think about them often. That even if I may not show it, that they do in fact matter very much to me.

Personally, I'm not someone who knows how to show people my affections well, I tend to get very clingy when close, and when we're still in the getting to know each other stage, I may appear all distant and what not. I'm not the easiest person to talk to, that's for sure. I have my bad days too. Being someone who's mood runs on the extreme, whereby I may be all cheerful one moment, and moody the next, it really isn't easy for those around me. But stick closer, and you'll come to find, that I'm someone very deserving and worthy of your friendship too.

For some reason unbeknownst to me, I can't seem to hold on to people very well. Perhaps it's my lack of effort put in to contact someone when I don't see them, but please don't hold it against me. I just don't quite know how to keep a conversation going when it's through such virtual means. I'm just more of a physical/face-to-face person...

Feeling really emotional these past few nights. Surging thoughts and just crazy emotional rollercoasters of feeling like I'm never good enough, for anyone. Honestly, I think I'm such a hypocrite right at this moment, because I just told a friend "nobody is ever not good enough" but here I am, belittling myself, because I really don't feel like I'm a good enough person to those around me sometimes, most of the time. And just, I don't feel very well liked, or wanted, and well... you get my point..?

But I guess, some scars never do fade away entirely, even if they do lighten over time (like that huge one on my leg :< ) And, it just leaves one feeling all sorts of insecurities, and making one erect walls all sorts of unnecessary. And it's just not easy to there them down again, even if you try really hard. Perhaps one day though, I'll be able to put down my load and start as new as I could possibly do so, and I'll be looking forward for that one day's arrival.

*Special thanks to those who's been telling me through WA that it's not the quantity but the quality that matters, and that no matter what I'll still have you by my side. It's comforting to know that through it all, there's still people who care, and really, I can't be more than thankful for this fact. Because at least I know, that I don't have to stand strong alone. That there's gonna be someone I can fall back on when I need to. Thank you for being there! And I will always be there for you too! <3

Not the nicest thing to hear

I might have mentioned this somewhere before, maybe here, or maybe on my wordpress back then, but just so you'd have a clearer picture of what I am going to be talking about, here's what happened.

Daddy gotten into an accident just months after I was born, and it was pretty bad. Bad as in even until today, 20 years later, he still has screws embedded in his bones in his leg; Bad as in the car was mutilated so badly, it had to be scrapped; Bad as in there was even newspaper articles about the accident when it occurred.

From what I know of it, from the age that I was able to understand things well enough, that the area where the accident occurred, was an accident prone zone, and he was not the first to have encountered such an accident, and neither is he the last.

However, he likes to (jokingly, as I am inclined to believe), put the blame of that accident on my shoulders. Because, as he says, he took care of me in the night after a long day of work to let mummy rest, and so was lacking the 精神 to drive that day, which thus resulted in the crash.

But, daddy, as much as I love you, there is a limit to such jokes. Because, don't you think, it would hurt? Once, twice, maybe three times, I can accept. But every time anything to do with the accident comes up, you'd just so conveniently say "It's all your fault lor..." Don't you think I'd be affected?

Do you think I would have wished that accident upon you? That I want you to have gotten so hurt that you were in hospital for such a long time? Honestly, each joke should have it's limit, and this has gone way past the acceptable line. When you mentioned it over dinner earlier, I was so terribly upset. To the point that I barely said a single word from that point. But, you didn't seem to realise at all. And to think, you are actually quite observant. I honestly didn't and would never peg you as someone to be so obtuse, and so I hope, for my sake and mental well-being more than anything else, that you'd just seriously drop this joke forever. Because, it really hurts to be labelled as the one at fault for an accident, one which I have no intention of causing, and also could not have in any way made happen. Really, it's not the nicest thing to hear, or even feel. Put yourself in my shoes, and I'm pretty sure you'd feel the same as I do.

Late night thoughts

It's always at times like these, when instead of sleeping, my mind starts to whir. 

You might not know otherwise, but with all the things I've gone through, even at such a young age, it has left me with much hurt and a cynical mind. 

To be very honest, I'm already sensitive enough as it is. But as things happens, and as I fall and hurt myself along the way, I just end up getting more scarred and sensitive then I was. 

Although it may be true, that I have indeed become numb to much of it. Certain stuff does trigger it off, and leaving me to over think things. 

Especially when it ends up such that I'm alone (at night). Have never said this, but I really dislike being alone when I sleep, having had shared a room with my sister since forever. 

One issue that always have me on edge, is the "no reply". I believe though, I'm not the only one, and many of you are with this on me. 

Like when people, friends, your significant other half, whoever it may be, fail to reply your text... I'm sure you're always left wondering if its because you're not worth their time or attention etc...

Or when people claim they miss you, but do nothing to remedy that, be it talking to you, meeting up with you, and even rejecting your offers to meet up.

You may say I think too much, but well, I'm pretty darn sure I don't stand alone on this issue. 

Ok, well, that's about it I guess. Just needed someplace to get it off my chest, and this blog is pretty much for that purpose anyway!

Yes, and in spite of how bleak this post is, I'll leave you all with this. 

Appalled and dismayed

I don't normally bother myself with reading things on forums like TRS and other pages on Facebook because the things I read, I know would anger me.

Not saying in anyway, that I am the most righteous citizen that you would meet, but at least I do not go around criticizing and defaming people for things which are not in anyway their fault.

Many of these issues are apparent in cases, take for example blogger Xiaxue and her hoards of anti fans, who I presume, dislike her just because she is receiving more attention than they ever would in a single day as opposed to them in their lifetime.

But that's beside the point here. So I just happen to come across this blog post shared by a friend on Facebook, sharing the thoughts of this other blogger, Melissa ( http://milomel.blogspot.sg/2013/05/today-i-am-ashamed-of-being-singaporean.html?m=1 ) on the atrocity of the comments surrounding a foreign student who posted about her experience on TRS ( http://m.therealsingapore.com/?url=http%3A%2F%2Ftherealsingapore.com%2Fcontent%2Fexchange-student-no-one-stand-me-when-i-got-molested-publicly-clarke-quay#2748 )

I share Melissa's stand on this because who are these people, to comment that it is her fault for getting molested. If it were to happen to you, wouldn't you be expecting the same of those around you? To help?

I suppose they never did think about that, huh. Seeing how quick they were to jump to conclusions that she only got molested because she was wearing clothes too revealing. Because she asked for it just by going to a club. Because she didn't stay at home. Because she is a foreigner.

So from what they are saying, any girls who do not dresses up in clothes that covers them from head to toe deserves to get molested? And that any girl who goes to a club should expect to get molested? Or that any girl who even steps out if her house deserves a mans hand on her?

And to the man who told said foreign girl she is lucky not to be in a body bag, you need to grow some sense. What happened to her could just as much happen to your sister, your girlfriend or even your mother. I'd like to see you telling them the same if they were in such a situation.
For anyone who has been through a situation as such, it is already traumatizing enough not to have to think about what could have had happened if there was no one to help them, or if they were not strong enough to have stood their ground.

The fact that she is a foreigner does not discount the fact that she is as human and you and I, and deserves all the right for people around her to help her, and stop the man from touching her inappropriately. If it were to happen to any of you in another country, and the people refuses to help you just because you are a foreigner, what would you feel!

Also, that she stood up for herself is the right thing to do. Walking away would never solve the issue because then the offender would know they can get away with it, and continue doing it and assaulting anyone else he likes. What if his next victim were to be you! I'm sure you would not be singing the same tune then.

It really is disgusting how many Singaporeans could even think so shallowly and believe it is her fault for getting into such a situation.

I need to get this off my chest

Mobile update, so forgive me if it turns out unformatted and messy, or even with bad grammar and spelling errors.

To me friends are just so important, and I try my hardest never to take them for granted. Truth be told, I never did have many friends myself, and whenever I have one whom I feel I can get along with better than most, I turn clingy.
Clingy. Not possessive. But I guess, it could turn out to be more than smothering most times, and made me lose friends along the way.

Back then I never did knew why my "friends" mysteriously stopped talking to me and I turned very emotional.
I am already sensitive and emotional by nature, maybe it has something to do with my horoscope, but who knows. Either way, things weren't the best for me, and over time, as I got to know myself more and understand the people around me and their thinking better, I tried to change the way I behave.

Although, I was a day too late in changing my behavior and honestly you can not turn back time and get back what was lost, it did some damage to me already.

I may be one of the most insecure person you will ever come across. Coupled with the fact that I am as gullible as a 3 year old, it really does not help my case.

It's not easy, leading a life like this, where you have to be wary of everything and everyone around you, to not over think about stupid little details and make me doubt myself and all. But sometimes, the road gets a little tough, and I can't help but wonder, am I really what they want in a friend, and what am I to this or that person.

I know how much that mere thought make me seem like the most unconfident person, and extremely insecure above all, but when you've been through what I've been through, then I guess you'd understand what it's like to be having these thoughts constantly running through your head.

To be honest, there's two ways people like us behave. We either try to please everyone to our highest capability, or we end up trying to make ourselves invisible and shut ourself from the rest of the world. Certain days, I don't know which I prefer doing and it makes my brain hurt just trying to decide.

But now, I just try to show everyone the real me, and put aside these insecurities, as difficult as it may be. And to stand a little stronger everyday.

Right now though, all I want is to curl into a ball and cry. I feel like I haven't done enough for those around me. I feel like I'm lacking. I feel insignificant. And I just can't seem to rid myself of these thoughts. And yet, as much as I want to do both their boggling me and refuse to leave my body.

Having typed these all out now, doesn't exactly help me either. But hopefully after tonight's sleep, I'd wake up feeling better, stronger and more confident.