is it meant to be?

Honestly thought I have improved, and am stronger, and more capable of managing my emotions now. But it turns out, as shown through last night's episode, that I am indeed still lacking a lot in this department. It's not that I don't have the means to solve problems thrown at me. I know I can, but I tend to let my stress levels eat me up, and my emotions to run me down. The bottom line, is actually that I think too much. About things that I honestly should not let affect me.

I guess, one thing I need to overcome the most is the monster in my brain. That monster that keeps me thinking thoughts that are wholly unnecessary, that makes me upset when I don't even need to be, because I could just as well view any issue in an entirely opposite light, but I choose to think of the worse case scenario. Which, probably might not even be what is happening in fact.

However though, last night has led me to think, if this is really the path I should take in the future. As much as I do enjoy it, I tend to be afraid, and swallow myself up. And like I did say, my emotions are always running amok, which may not be the best for me. I suppose, I do need to revaluate myself, and what I want for myself in life. Be it personally, as an individual, or even just for the general future ahead of me.

One thing I know for certain, is that I need to stop being so soft, and be firm with my words and actions. To be more confident, and sure of myself. There's a lot I can change, and a lot I need to work on, but baby steps. Knowing what my main issues are at least, would allow me to make baby steps I need to improve myself.

i give up

好久没PO东西了，今天回来，要PO的又是一些不开心的心事...

不知为何最近总觉得有些孤单寂寞，而且最难受的就是有一种无论我付出了多少，却一直没有收到我想拥有的回报。

但说实在的，我在寻找的其实也并不是真正的回报，而是对方的接受与同时的付出。

Honestly, I cannot take this anymore. I try so hard to give my best effort, and make an effort to bringing our relationship closer, and stuff. But if the effort is not reciprocated, or even at least met, it just makes me feel so dejected. It's like, what am I even trying so hard for? I don't have to. I'm not obligated to.

We live under the same fucking roof, but we don't really know much about one another do we... 20 and 17 years of being your older sister respectively, but what do I really know about the both of you. Other than what I can see on the surface, and what I can tell about your personalities, NOTHING. ZILCH.

I sometimes, wonder if we really are family. Or if any other family out there is like this too? Never understanding one another beyond what's visible.. I understand that this is a sensitive topic and stuff, but right now, I just kinda need to get it out of my system.

I mean, like if you were in my position, and you constantly tried to make plans to go out with your sister or brother, but is always rejected for reasons like "I rather sleep" or "Don't think I'm free" or "huh, lazy la" wouldn't you feel as upset as I was, and currently am?

I don't know, but I think I've hit the breaking point, and I've had enough of putting in effort only to see it wash down the drain fruitlessly. I just can't anymore.

Pretty face?

*No names will be mentioned in this post!

So I was talking to the sis, and we ended up stalking certain people and all and I just kinda came to the conclusion that yes, having just a pretty face is not gonna get you anywhere in life. 

You may be so pretty and have people liking you because of that, but then it's just that. There's only so much being pretty can do for you... There's no way I can stress this any more, but if all you have is the fact that your pretty, and your attitude is just 10 feet down under, you really are not up to par. 

So said person we were stalking has an anti-fan page dedicated to her, because the person manning the page cannot stand how "fake" the former was. 

I can't just judge based on what I read, but I guess after even watching videos and also reading a few different blogs, I guess said person we were stalking is kinda pitiable. 

My only advice for said person would be to stop wallowing in self pity like that, and stop thinking that you should be lifted to high heavens. 

You may not believe that you are behaving as such, but then as the saying goes, 旁观者清 (which means: the bystander knows best[has a clearer picture]). 

You are still very young, and to be facing life with such a viewpoint is really unhealthy not just for yourself but also the people around you. In fact, it would not look good for any future employers even, because trust me, employers ALWAYS look at your social media account before deciding if they want to hire you. 

Not saying that I am very much in a position to be talking about stuff like wallowing in self pity since I did go through a phase like that, but I guess I grew up and saw things for they really are. 

Because at the end of the day, the only people that would truly be there for you is yourself and your family. Period. 

Whatever it is anyway, really, don't for one second ever use your looks to get you places and stuff because they really can only get you that far in life. Because in the end, it's always your personality and character that truly counts alright. 

And I'm saying this not only to the person I happen to have stalked, but to everyone in general. 

Signing off, 

Aubs 😘

Late night thoughts

It's always at times like these, when instead of sleeping, my mind starts to whir. 

You might not know otherwise, but with all the things I've gone through, even at such a young age, it has left me with much hurt and a cynical mind. 

To be very honest, I'm already sensitive enough as it is. But as things happens, and as I fall and hurt myself along the way, I just end up getting more scarred and sensitive then I was. 

Although it may be true, that I have indeed become numb to much of it. Certain stuff does trigger it off, and leaving me to over think things. 

Especially when it ends up such that I'm alone (at night). Have never said this, but I really dislike being alone when I sleep, having had shared a room with my sister since forever. 

One issue that always have me on edge, is the "no reply". I believe though, I'm not the only one, and many of you are with this on me. 

Like when people, friends, your significant other half, whoever it may be, fail to reply your text... I'm sure you're always left wondering if its because you're not worth their time or attention etc...

Or when people claim they miss you, but do nothing to remedy that, be it talking to you, meeting up with you, and even rejecting your offers to meet up.

You may say I think too much, but well, I'm pretty darn sure I don't stand alone on this issue. 

Ok, well, that's about it I guess. Just needed someplace to get it off my chest, and this blog is pretty much for that purpose anyway!

Yes, and in spite of how bleak this post is, I'll leave you all with this. 

Appalled and dismayed

I don't normally bother myself with reading things on forums like TRS and other pages on Facebook because the things I read, I know would anger me.

Not saying in anyway, that I am the most righteous citizen that you would meet, but at least I do not go around criticizing and defaming people for things which are not in anyway their fault.

Many of these issues are apparent in cases, take for example blogger Xiaxue and her hoards of anti fans, who I presume, dislike her just because she is receiving more attention than they ever would in a single day as opposed to them in their lifetime.

But that's beside the point here. So I just happen to come across this blog post shared by a friend on Facebook, sharing the thoughts of this other blogger, Melissa ( http://milomel.blogspot.sg/2013/05/today-i-am-ashamed-of-being-singaporean.html?m=1 ) on the atrocity of the comments surrounding a foreign student who posted about her experience on TRS ( http://m.therealsingapore.com/?url=http%3A%2F%2Ftherealsingapore.com%2Fcontent%2Fexchange-student-no-one-stand-me-when-i-got-molested-publicly-clarke-quay#2748 )

I share Melissa's stand on this because who are these people, to comment that it is her fault for getting molested. If it were to happen to you, wouldn't you be expecting the same of those around you? To help?

I suppose they never did think about that, huh. Seeing how quick they were to jump to conclusions that she only got molested because she was wearing clothes too revealing. Because she asked for it just by going to a club. Because she didn't stay at home. Because she is a foreigner.

So from what they are saying, any girls who do not dresses up in clothes that covers them from head to toe deserves to get molested? And that any girl who goes to a club should expect to get molested? Or that any girl who even steps out if her house deserves a mans hand on her?

And to the man who told said foreign girl she is lucky not to be in a body bag, you need to grow some sense. What happened to her could just as much happen to your sister, your girlfriend or even your mother. I'd like to see you telling them the same if they were in such a situation.
For anyone who has been through a situation as such, it is already traumatizing enough not to have to think about what could have had happened if there was no one to help them, or if they were not strong enough to have stood their ground.

The fact that she is a foreigner does not discount the fact that she is as human and you and I, and deserves all the right for people around her to help her, and stop the man from touching her inappropriately. If it were to happen to any of you in another country, and the people refuses to help you just because you are a foreigner, what would you feel!

Also, that she stood up for herself is the right thing to do. Walking away would never solve the issue because then the offender would know they can get away with it, and continue doing it and assaulting anyone else he likes. What if his next victim were to be you! I'm sure you would not be singing the same tune then.

It really is disgusting how many Singaporeans could even think so shallowly and believe it is her fault for getting into such a situation.

I need to get this off my chest

Mobile update, so forgive me if it turns out unformatted and messy, or even with bad grammar and spelling errors.

To me friends are just so important, and I try my hardest never to take them for granted. Truth be told, I never did have many friends myself, and whenever I have one whom I feel I can get along with better than most, I turn clingy.
Clingy. Not possessive. But I guess, it could turn out to be more than smothering most times, and made me lose friends along the way.

Back then I never did knew why my "friends" mysteriously stopped talking to me and I turned very emotional.
I am already sensitive and emotional by nature, maybe it has something to do with my horoscope, but who knows. Either way, things weren't the best for me, and over time, as I got to know myself more and understand the people around me and their thinking better, I tried to change the way I behave.

Although, I was a day too late in changing my behavior and honestly you can not turn back time and get back what was lost, it did some damage to me already.

I may be one of the most insecure person you will ever come across. Coupled with the fact that I am as gullible as a 3 year old, it really does not help my case.

It's not easy, leading a life like this, where you have to be wary of everything and everyone around you, to not over think about stupid little details and make me doubt myself and all. But sometimes, the road gets a little tough, and I can't help but wonder, am I really what they want in a friend, and what am I to this or that person.

I know how much that mere thought make me seem like the most unconfident person, and extremely insecure above all, but when you've been through what I've been through, then I guess you'd understand what it's like to be having these thoughts constantly running through your head.

To be honest, there's two ways people like us behave. We either try to please everyone to our highest capability, or we end up trying to make ourselves invisible and shut ourself from the rest of the world. Certain days, I don't know which I prefer doing and it makes my brain hurt just trying to decide.

But now, I just try to show everyone the real me, and put aside these insecurities, as difficult as it may be. And to stand a little stronger everyday.

Right now though, all I want is to curl into a ball and cry. I feel like I haven't done enough for those around me. I feel like I'm lacking. I feel insignificant. And I just can't seem to rid myself of these thoughts. And yet, as much as I want to do both their boggling me and refuse to leave my body.

Having typed these all out now, doesn't exactly help me either. But hopefully after tonight's sleep, I'd wake up feeling better, stronger and more confident.