From Deep Within

So, mummy has full access to my facebook and all since she uses my account to play games to help herself, and she does see what goes on my timeline from time to time, and yesterday night she asked me after having seen all the grad pictures and postings... "Do you regret not going for your graduation ceremony?"

 

Truth be told, yes. There is that twinge of regret for not going, not being able to make the most out of this last day and to leave the school gloriously with all my friends and course mates.

Doesn't matter that I did not come out of this course with many that I can hold true to my heart because as the saying goes, a handful of friends who can touch your heart is better than an entourage of "friends".

I would still have liked to take photos and store them up as memories for me to recollect in the future.

 

But, I guess protecting my heart still is more important to me.

I just couldn't bring myself to go and face a certain someone who I know I would end up letting my guard down to. Honestly been hurt one to many times by said someone, and I guess enough is enough.

 

Sometimes, I hate how naïve and soft-hearted I can get, but I guess it's just my nature. What can I do.

Time after time, I give in and let you trample all over me with your lies, and believing that you would change, but honestly after the fourth time it happened, I can't let it go on again. And despite telling myself so, I am still unable to harden my heart to you.

 

And so avoidance is the only way to go. I have no other choice.

 

To be honest, I really treated you as someone I could rely on, someone I could trust and keep as a friend for a long time to come. I however, was proven wrong one time too many.

I just hope that you would finally see the light soon, and come to realise how many people you have hurt/are hurting by your actions and behaviour, and can become a better person.

 

On a side note:

To JY, you were the first girl in the entire of LRM with which I forged a close relationship and friendship with! And I am really grateful to have you with me through the 2 years after. Even though we were only in the same class for a mere semester in TAS. That we managed to keep this friendship going really means a lot to me! LOVE YOU BBY!

& Can't wait to see you on Tuesday for our cycling excursion^^

 

To WenLi, whom I've only gotten to know closely in my final sem in TP, it was amazing how we've managed to clique with one another so fast. We went through the final lap together, rushing through deadlines and shit. And wonderfully, we've never once argued, and for this, I am extremely thankful!

The fact that you are going back to China in a months time really upsets me, and I look forward to the day you come back with all my heart. But for now, let's just make the most of what we have OK!

See you on Wednesday b!

 

To my BBG, Joey, we've let so much precious time in which we could have gotten closer gone to waste, but it's ok, because we still have a lifetime ahead of us! You may be going through some tough time now, but it's all temporary, because we know there's always a rainbow after a storm, and brighter days lies ahead! Stay strong my babygirl, and know that I'll always be here for you!

Pretty face?

*No names will be mentioned in this post!

So I was talking to the sis, and we ended up stalking certain people and all and I just kinda came to the conclusion that yes, having just a pretty face is not gonna get you anywhere in life. 

You may be so pretty and have people liking you because of that, but then it's just that. There's only so much being pretty can do for you... There's no way I can stress this any more, but if all you have is the fact that your pretty, and your attitude is just 10 feet down under, you really are not up to par. 

So said person we were stalking has an anti-fan page dedicated to her, because the person manning the page cannot stand how "fake" the former was. 

I can't just judge based on what I read, but I guess after even watching videos and also reading a few different blogs, I guess said person we were stalking is kinda pitiable. 

My only advice for said person would be to stop wallowing in self pity like that, and stop thinking that you should be lifted to high heavens. 

You may not believe that you are behaving as such, but then as the saying goes, 旁观者清 (which means: the bystander knows best[has a clearer picture]). 

You are still very young, and to be facing life with such a viewpoint is really unhealthy not just for yourself but also the people around you. In fact, it would not look good for any future employers even, because trust me, employers ALWAYS look at your social media account before deciding if they want to hire you. 

Not saying that I am very much in a position to be talking about stuff like wallowing in self pity since I did go through a phase like that, but I guess I grew up and saw things for they really are. 

Because at the end of the day, the only people that would truly be there for you is yourself and your family. Period. 

Whatever it is anyway, really, don't for one second ever use your looks to get you places and stuff because they really can only get you that far in life. Because in the end, it's always your personality and character that truly counts alright. 

And I'm saying this not only to the person I happen to have stalked, but to everyone in general. 

Signing off, 

Aubs 😘

Late night thoughts

It's always at times like these, when instead of sleeping, my mind starts to whir. 

You might not know otherwise, but with all the things I've gone through, even at such a young age, it has left me with much hurt and a cynical mind. 

To be very honest, I'm already sensitive enough as it is. But as things happens, and as I fall and hurt myself along the way, I just end up getting more scarred and sensitive then I was. 

Although it may be true, that I have indeed become numb to much of it. Certain stuff does trigger it off, and leaving me to over think things. 

Especially when it ends up such that I'm alone (at night). Have never said this, but I really dislike being alone when I sleep, having had shared a room with my sister since forever. 

One issue that always have me on edge, is the "no reply". I believe though, I'm not the only one, and many of you are with this on me. 

Like when people, friends, your significant other half, whoever it may be, fail to reply your text... I'm sure you're always left wondering if its because you're not worth their time or attention etc...

Or when people claim they miss you, but do nothing to remedy that, be it talking to you, meeting up with you, and even rejecting your offers to meet up.

You may say I think too much, but well, I'm pretty darn sure I don't stand alone on this issue. 

Ok, well, that's about it I guess. Just needed someplace to get it off my chest, and this blog is pretty much for that purpose anyway!

Yes, and in spite of how bleak this post is, I'll leave you all with this. 

Appalled and dismayed

I don't normally bother myself with reading things on forums like TRS and other pages on Facebook because the things I read, I know would anger me.

Not saying in anyway, that I am the most righteous citizen that you would meet, but at least I do not go around criticizing and defaming people for things which are not in anyway their fault.

Many of these issues are apparent in cases, take for example blogger Xiaxue and her hoards of anti fans, who I presume, dislike her just because she is receiving more attention than they ever would in a single day as opposed to them in their lifetime.

But that's beside the point here. So I just happen to come across this blog post shared by a friend on Facebook, sharing the thoughts of this other blogger, Melissa ( http://milomel.blogspot.sg/2013/05/today-i-am-ashamed-of-being-singaporean.html?m=1 ) on the atrocity of the comments surrounding a foreign student who posted about her experience on TRS ( http://m.therealsingapore.com/?url=http%3A%2F%2Ftherealsingapore.com%2Fcontent%2Fexchange-student-no-one-stand-me-when-i-got-molested-publicly-clarke-quay#2748 )

I share Melissa's stand on this because who are these people, to comment that it is her fault for getting molested. If it were to happen to you, wouldn't you be expecting the same of those around you? To help?

I suppose they never did think about that, huh. Seeing how quick they were to jump to conclusions that she only got molested because she was wearing clothes too revealing. Because she asked for it just by going to a club. Because she didn't stay at home. Because she is a foreigner.

So from what they are saying, any girls who do not dresses up in clothes that covers them from head to toe deserves to get molested? And that any girl who goes to a club should expect to get molested? Or that any girl who even steps out if her house deserves a mans hand on her?

And to the man who told said foreign girl she is lucky not to be in a body bag, you need to grow some sense. What happened to her could just as much happen to your sister, your girlfriend or even your mother. I'd like to see you telling them the same if they were in such a situation.
For anyone who has been through a situation as such, it is already traumatizing enough not to have to think about what could have had happened if there was no one to help them, or if they were not strong enough to have stood their ground.

The fact that she is a foreigner does not discount the fact that she is as human and you and I, and deserves all the right for people around her to help her, and stop the man from touching her inappropriately. If it were to happen to any of you in another country, and the people refuses to help you just because you are a foreigner, what would you feel!

Also, that she stood up for herself is the right thing to do. Walking away would never solve the issue because then the offender would know they can get away with it, and continue doing it and assaulting anyone else he likes. What if his next victim were to be you! I'm sure you would not be singing the same tune then.

It really is disgusting how many Singaporeans could even think so shallowly and believe it is her fault for getting into such a situation.

My week in words

Last week was one of the weeks where, discounting the weekends which I spent in school, a week where I actually spent more time home then out compared to previous weeks. And truth be told, I enjoy it. The time spent at home is always good for me, to catch up on some reading, think through stuff and more.

 

Tuesday had me up earlier than most days so mummy and I could go visit grandmother. Went to Kovan to buy lunch first before going to pickup the aunt and baby D before heading back to hougang to see grandmother. Spent almost the whole afternoon there, and some time in the afternoon, the 2nd grandaunt came over, which made things so much more lively! Baby D had me running all around the house playing catching and hide and seek too~

 

And on Wednesday, since daddy didn't have to work, we had a stay home lunch of cheese and crackers coupled with fruits and salad! Lunches like these are always the best, seeing how we're home and can end up playing and having so much more fun then if we dine out! And although from the sound of it, we didn't seem to have a lot to eat, I was more than full at the end of it, and ended up skipping dinner and only having a banana much later in the night!

 

On Thursday however, I went out for some quality time with W. Hadn't seen her in more than a month what with her schedule being forever too packed for me to ask her out, and her going to Korea! Caught Ironman 3, and it was pretty good I must say, although as usual, where action packed films are involved, it had me squirming and squealing. Really lousy with action and gore...

Had Nihon Mura after, and then went window shopping for clothes! Totally wishing I had the moolah to be buying though! the spring/summer clothes are all so pretty and vibrant!

 

The later half of Friday was spent with JY, over at my place and just watching all the random movies we could find on MioTV, WGM global and a really OLD ep of RM cos she wanted to watch it. But still fun nonetheless! Hanging out with JY is always good on my pocket :) No need for spending! HEHE

 

And as I mentioned earlier, over the weekend, I found myself in school, for one of my bridging subjects: Business Law. For what I believed to be a dry subject, I am thankful for such a boisterous and loud lecturer to make the learning easier, and more enjoyable. It really is rather interesting to be learning about law, I must say.

 

And yes, I officially start school on the 13/05, which is next Monday, and I've also my orientation this Thursday, so I am looking forward to meeting new people and my classmates to be :)

And last night, we had a mini mother's day celebration at the paternal gram's. Done this early because the cousin is enlisting next Saturday! Being around family is always so joyous! We don't meet as a big group often, and to be able to is just really nice, always!

I need to get this off my chest

Mobile update, so forgive me if it turns out unformatted and messy, or even with bad grammar and spelling errors.

To me friends are just so important, and I try my hardest never to take them for granted. Truth be told, I never did have many friends myself, and whenever I have one whom I feel I can get along with better than most, I turn clingy.
Clingy. Not possessive. But I guess, it could turn out to be more than smothering most times, and made me lose friends along the way.

Back then I never did knew why my "friends" mysteriously stopped talking to me and I turned very emotional.
I am already sensitive and emotional by nature, maybe it has something to do with my horoscope, but who knows. Either way, things weren't the best for me, and over time, as I got to know myself more and understand the people around me and their thinking better, I tried to change the way I behave.

Although, I was a day too late in changing my behavior and honestly you can not turn back time and get back what was lost, it did some damage to me already.

I may be one of the most insecure person you will ever come across. Coupled with the fact that I am as gullible as a 3 year old, it really does not help my case.

It's not easy, leading a life like this, where you have to be wary of everything and everyone around you, to not over think about stupid little details and make me doubt myself and all. But sometimes, the road gets a little tough, and I can't help but wonder, am I really what they want in a friend, and what am I to this or that person.

I know how much that mere thought make me seem like the most unconfident person, and extremely insecure above all, but when you've been through what I've been through, then I guess you'd understand what it's like to be having these thoughts constantly running through your head.

To be honest, there's two ways people like us behave. We either try to please everyone to our highest capability, or we end up trying to make ourselves invisible and shut ourself from the rest of the world. Certain days, I don't know which I prefer doing and it makes my brain hurt just trying to decide.

But now, I just try to show everyone the real me, and put aside these insecurities, as difficult as it may be. And to stand a little stronger everyday.

Right now though, all I want is to curl into a ball and cry. I feel like I haven't done enough for those around me. I feel like I'm lacking. I feel insignificant. And I just can't seem to rid myself of these thoughts. And yet, as much as I want to do both their boggling me and refuse to leave my body.

Having typed these all out now, doesn't exactly help me either. But hopefully after tonight's sleep, I'd wake up feeling better, stronger and more confident.

Life in Singapore

Honestly a topic that all of us would have went through and are still in the process of going through.

Today, I will be sharing my thoughts on the life of a Singaporean, so to speak.

 

It is, in all our knowledge that without a cert(degree) we would not be able to get anywhere in Singapore. Honestly. Well, having a diploma is not so bad, but say you have an A'level cert, it really just doesn't do as well, because you lack that "internship" process that those who went to polytechnic would have achieved, which is also what more prospective employers look for.

 

But anyway, that's beside the point, and not what I am intending to talk about today.

As we all may know, Singapore has 3 local universities, namely NUS, NTU and SMU. And if you took the polytechnic route of education, you would be more than well aware, that anything short of a GPA of 3.5 will NOT entitle you a seat in. It is extremely unfair, I must say because why should A'level holders be entitled entry even if they did not do as well, while we who take the other road gets shunned. Leaving us with the only option of private universities with exorbitant school fees, to say the least.

 

Well, so the government sort of heard our voices, and decided to build SIT, a university housing select private (foreign) university, with the intent of it being for polytechnic students.

 

OK, so just the other day on twitter I came across the fact that for the upcoming intake, 20% of the students who applied into said university, actually did have a GPA of 3.5 and above. So I kinda made comment about these people not leaving a chance for the rest.

 

Not trying to gain any pity or what. And neither am I saying any of these because of self-entitlement, but don't you feel that sometimes, everyone is a little too self-centred? It first started out with secondary school leavers who can make it to JC but choosing to go into poly, thus bringing all the grade point average up a notch, and making it harder for the rest to get into poly, thus requiring the route of ITE. and now, this again.

 

Yet in Singapore, we all know that anything short of a degree won't get you anywhere, and when it comes to that, what are those who are unable to get into a university supposed to do. I'd guess they'd all be jobless then? Because Singaporeans being Singaporeans, are always so self-absorbed and thinks so highly of themselves that they would never relegate themselves to working in jobs such as retail and F&B, but rather leaving it to foreign talents, namely the Filipinos and Chinese nationals then turn around, and complain about them taking up all the available jobs in Singapore.

 

But then again, that's another story for another time.

 

OK, I just needed to voice out my thoughts on this.