rollercoaster

It's not easy knowing that I spent 10 years of my life in a place, and walking out of there without any true friend by my side, and I guess, just recently, I've came to that realisation that whatever I do, it will not bring back the past, and what's gone is gone. There is no going back to those young and ignorant days of mine, trying to make things better, and all I can do for now is to just move on and look forward, and try to make my life in its current stage better and more fulfilling. To treasure those around me even more, and to spend more time with them, as much as I can. And even if I am someone who don't often text people, that I should still contact them every once in awhile to show them that I still do think about them often. That even if I may not show it, that they do in fact matter very much to me.

Personally, I'm not someone who knows how to show people my affections well, I tend to get very clingy when close, and when we're still in the getting to know each other stage, I may appear all distant and what not. I'm not the easiest person to talk to, that's for sure. I have my bad days too. Being someone who's mood runs on the extreme, whereby I may be all cheerful one moment, and moody the next, it really isn't easy for those around me. But stick closer, and you'll come to find, that I'm someone very deserving and worthy of your friendship too.

For some reason unbeknownst to me, I can't seem to hold on to people very well. Perhaps it's my lack of effort put in to contact someone when I don't see them, but please don't hold it against me. I just don't quite know how to keep a conversation going when it's through such virtual means. I'm just more of a physical/face-to-face person...

Feeling really emotional these past few nights. Surging thoughts and just crazy emotional rollercoasters of feeling like I'm never good enough, for anyone. Honestly, I think I'm such a hypocrite right at this moment, because I just told a friend "nobody is ever not good enough" but here I am, belittling myself, because I really don't feel like I'm a good enough person to those around me sometimes, most of the time. And just, I don't feel very well liked, or wanted, and well... you get my point..?

But I guess, some scars never do fade away entirely, even if they do lighten over time (like that huge one on my leg :< ) And, it just leaves one feeling all sorts of insecurities, and making one erect walls all sorts of unnecessary. And it's just not easy to there them down again, even if you try really hard. Perhaps one day though, I'll be able to put down my load and start as new as I could possibly do so, and I'll be looking forward for that one day's arrival.

*Special thanks to those who's been telling me through WA that it's not the quantity but the quality that matters, and that no matter what I'll still have you by my side. It's comforting to know that through it all, there's still people who care, and really, I can't be more than thankful for this fact. Because at least I know, that I don't have to stand strong alone. That there's gonna be someone I can fall back on when I need to. Thank you for being there! And I will always be there for you too! <3