Friday, 27 December 2013

Beyond thankful

More than thankful to have this bunch of friends with me, and even for that short few hours which we spent together once a month, your presence is greatly appreciated. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for having you three with me, but whatever it is, I love you all very much.

Was really glad, that we had met up on Monday, because even though the time we spent was short, it managed to take my mind off the depressing thoughts that were plaguing me recently. Felt so much at ease with the both of you by my side, just talking about everything, but really, nothing at all.

We're all really busy, but I'm glad we  make time to meet at least once a month. Brian, come back and join us soon! We miss you :((((

Sunday, 22 December 2013

UPDATE: Missed chance

Sibei sian I cannot :(
Today whilst having Tang Yuan (It's DongZhi today) Daddy was asking about next year's trip, and where we would like to go... So we almost decided on Tasmania, but ended up scraping it since it's Christmas period, and Aussie is infamous for not having shops open on holidays as well as closing early regularly.
So, we then were choosing between Taiwan and Okinawa, and daddy was prepared to let us countdown in TW, which would have been a total dream come true for me. I mean like HELLO, 6-8 hours of a countdown concert with all those mandopop artiste is seriously too good to let up on. But my vote got over written by the rest...
So we're most probably, if nothing else fails us, will be heading to Okinawa and Tokyo for our year end trip next year. Which according to the sister, is the best of both worlds, since we'll be heading to the beach for some sun, and then to the city for the winter, and hopefully, snow. But truth be told, I LOVE the sun, and would rather be in the sun all day then freeze my toes off. Not saying that it isn't going to be cold in Taiwan, but, shopping in Tokyo would be a tad pricier than in Taiwan.
Not complaining though... Just sorta upset that I won't get to countdown in Taiwan. Because, such family trips would be harder to come by in the future already, and it'll most probably be the last for a long time... That and the fact that we aren't going anywhere this year...
It seems, we will be going to Taiwan after all!!! Yes, because mummy dearest has decided, it'd be a waste not to go snorkelling if we go to Okinawa, and as such, the Okinawa trip is being put aside for a later date and we're heading to Taiwan again! Whooohooooo!!! And, I'm getting my countdown concert too! Totes excited, heheheh!

Saturday, 21 December 2013


This post, is just as the title says.
It really bothers me, that I am unable to cry, no matter how much my emotions takes over me. I can be so upset that I'm literally drowning in the emotion, and yet, I am unable to cry.
Truth be told, I can't remember the last time I cried because of my emotions. I seem to be unable to let it out at all, and if I do cry, it's not even because of my own issues, but because I am watching a drama or something of the likes. And that, is seriously unsatisfying. It doesn't matter how bad I cry. I  can be bawling for that matter, but because I am crying for the characters, and not for myself, it leaves me feeling even more troubled after that. Because, I am unable to cry for what I am feeling.
I can't begin to explain, how bad this is. It's been so terrible, that I am getting insomnia because of it. I have so much feels inside of me that needs to be released, but there is just no outlet for it. The tears simply refuse to come. For over three weeks, I have been lying in bed unable to sleep at night, until maybe 3am just because my brain is running amok, and yet I can do nothing to release this inner turmoil. It's getting to be so frustrating, and all I want, is just to be able to have a good cry and get it over with. Yet, it seems like the impossible, akin to trying to push a mountain aside...
If you knew me... A few years back, while I was still in secondary school, I was a kid, that cried at the littlest things. I for one, am extremely sensitive and emotional, and was triggered easily. Shit happens, I guess. Ended up crying too much, and perhaps, I've ran out of tears. It's not a nice feeling at all though. To be unable to cry. Because, honestly, we all need to let it out. And being unable to do so is like... being unable to shit. The toxic is kept there, in your body, and it just accumulates.
It's really bothering me so much, and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this without combusting. I feel like it's a time bomb inside of me which I have no idea when it's gonna go. And when it does finally bombs, I feel it's going to be bad, kinda like an atomic, and it will probably wreck me apart, with no proper way to be pieced back again.
Not that I'm not already broken enough... Considering how I feel like humpty dumpty most days. It's not easy when you feel you lack so much, and just basically, unworthy of the people around you, and unwanted/cast aside by others. It's quite painful in fact... Like hanging on to a cliff just by the tips of your fingers, trying to haul yourself back up, but knowing, it's probably not gonna work out, and just letting go would be so much easier... Or being stuck out in the big ocean, and trying to swim your way to shore although all you see is water for miles...
Whatever it is though, I know one thing for sure, and that is that I really need to find a way to release these emotions inside of me, and find a way to get those tears flowing.

Friday, 20 December 2013


I'm pretty sure I mentioned this somewhere before, though I'm not entirely too sure where, but one thing is for certain, is that thoughts of this has been in my heads for a good 3 years already at least.
Maybe, it's because I really lack that bit of self-confidence, and that I feel this would help it a lil, but I do believe, that the underlying factor, is more just that looking pretty really does makes a lot of difference to one's life.

So, this thing that I'm talking about here is plastic surgery...

Yes. I want to change my face so badly, it's almost ridiculous. It first started out with me just wanting to get double eyelids, what with me really disliking the hooded monolids that I have, all the whilst being immensely jealous of my younger sister who has double eyelids. Then, as I grew older, and gotten more aware of my face and the imperfections on it while I played around with makeup, I couldn't help but see that there was so much about my face that I disliked, and wanted to change.

There's the uneven jawline, where one side is more square and the other round, and I just want that V-line face so much, it's like an obsession. Then of course, there is my zygoma. Although not that obvious, my zygoma does stick out of my face that tiniest bit, and, it is also uneven. I have one zygoma bigger than the other, such that when I wear my specs, one side always sticks to my cheeks... And so,I would never leave out the bronzer and contouring when I do my face, just to attain a sharper jawline, and a more dimensional face.

Every time I come across programs that shows people who have new faces, and with that, improved lives, I really can't help but to long for surgery even more. I just feel, that if I look better, people would treat me better, and I would also be more confident about myself and all... And these programs really just justifies my thoughts... Truth be told though, if I have the money, I really would do it, no matter how fucking scary it may seem. What do you think though? If given a chance, would you go under the knife?

Friday, 13 December 2013

Midnight updates

Been having some pretty bad insomnia the past week or more. 
It's like I'm so ridiculously tired, but I can never sleep regardless. At least not till past 2am. 
The worse part is some weird body alarm that wake me up around 8ish most mornings, rain or shine. 
And then because I'd be so tired, I just lay in bed hoping to fall back asleep most morning for naught till like 11ish 12.
Sucha slob really. 

On a side note though, got 2 papers done, and just one more left to go on Saturday before I complete this semester.
Time flies... To think, it felt like I just embarked on my BA a while ago, and here I am, about to complete 40% of it already!
Just 3 short semesters left before I attain my bachelors, that's like a year! Gosh. It'd be in my hands before I even know it, really. 

And, I seriously need to do something about my broken arm. Every to it gets around to healing better, there's bound to be some shit to make it worse again. 3hours law paper just about killed it. I swear I walked out of the exam hall feeling like my wrist was rotten for good. Barely had any strength left in it to even type out a message on my phone at that moment. Which just shows how bad it really is. Hate that it's not healing/will never ever heal completely no matter how much I spend on it at the doctors. 
*i need to train myself to be ambidextrous, I really do. 

Anyhow, I shall get back to attempting to sleep. Yes. I've been attempting to do so the last maybe 3hours already. It's all sorts of ridiculous I swear. 

Monday, 9 December 2013

mini update

Exams, are honestly such burdensome things to go through with. And, the fact that my subjects for this semester are more coursework heavy, has resulted in a very slack me. I just cant dredge up the mood to study even though I know, I really should.
Completed one paper already, and that leaves me with two, of which I guess, is significantly easier than the one I've already went through with, which just only makes me more lazy to study than ever. Which, really is just bad news for my grades.
On a side note though, what I really want to say is, when doing a good deed, there really is no necessity to broadcast it to the world, because it only means that you are showing off, which then offsets the deed you had done. It makes people think and feel that you are just looking for praises and recognition, and turns them off. ALWAYS, ALWAYS REMAIN HUMBLE NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. Keep your feet on the ground. /Mother Theresa didn't become famous for her deeds because she went around telling people she did them./