Saturday, 27 April 2013

I need to get this off my chest

Mobile update, so forgive me if it turns out unformatted and messy, or even with bad grammar and spelling errors.

To me friends are just so important, and I try my hardest never to take them for granted. Truth be told, I never did have many friends myself, and whenever I have one whom I feel I can get along with better than most, I turn clingy.
Clingy. Not possessive. But I guess, it could turn out to be more than smothering most times, and made me lose friends along the way.

Back then I never did knew why my "friends" mysteriously stopped talking to me and I turned very emotional.
I am already sensitive and emotional by nature, maybe it has something to do with my horoscope, but who knows. Either way, things weren't the best for me, and over time, as I got to know myself more and understand the people around me and their thinking better, I tried to change the way I behave.

Although, I was a day too late in changing my behavior and honestly you can not turn back time and get back what was lost, it did some damage to me already.

I may be one of the most insecure person you will ever come across. Coupled with the fact that I am as gullible as a 3 year old, it really does not help my case.

It's not easy, leading a life like this, where you have to be wary of everything and everyone around you, to not over think about stupid little details and make me doubt myself and all. But sometimes, the road gets a little tough, and I can't help but wonder, am I really what they want in a friend, and what am I to this or that person.

I know how much that mere thought make me seem like the most unconfident person, and extremely insecure above all, but when you've been through what I've been through, then I guess you'd understand what it's like to be having these thoughts constantly running through your head.

To be honest, there's two ways people like us behave. We either try to please everyone to our highest capability, or we end up trying to make ourselves invisible and shut ourself from the rest of the world. Certain days, I don't know which I prefer doing and it makes my brain hurt just trying to decide.

But now, I just try to show everyone the real me, and put aside these insecurities, as difficult as it may be. And to stand a little stronger everyday.

Right now though, all I want is to curl into a ball and cry. I feel like I haven't done enough for those around me. I feel like I'm lacking. I feel insignificant. And I just can't seem to rid myself of these thoughts. And yet, as much as I want to do both their boggling me and refuse to leave my body.

Having typed these all out now, doesn't exactly help me either. But hopefully after tonight's sleep, I'd wake up feeling better, stronger and more confident.

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