i give up

好久没PO东西了，今天回来，要PO的又是一些不开心的心事...

不知为何最近总觉得有些孤单寂寞，而且最难受的就是有一种无论我付出了多少，却一直没有收到我想拥有的回报。

但说实在的，我在寻找的其实也并不是真正的回报，而是对方的接受与同时的付出。

Honestly, I cannot take this anymore. I try so hard to give my best effort, and make an effort to bringing our relationship closer, and stuff. But if the effort is not reciprocated, or even at least met, it just makes me feel so dejected. It's like, what am I even trying so hard for? I don't have to. I'm not obligated to.

We live under the same fucking roof, but we don't really know much about one another do we... 20 and 17 years of being your older sister respectively, but what do I really know about the both of you. Other than what I can see on the surface, and what I can tell about your personalities, NOTHING. ZILCH.

I sometimes, wonder if we really are family. Or if any other family out there is like this too? Never understanding one another beyond what's visible.. I understand that this is a sensitive topic and stuff, but right now, I just kinda need to get it out of my system.

I mean, like if you were in my position, and you constantly tried to make plans to go out with your sister or brother, but is always rejected for reasons like "I rather sleep" or "Don't think I'm free" or "huh, lazy la" wouldn't you feel as upset as I was, and currently am?

I don't know, but I think I've hit the breaking point, and I've had enough of putting in effort only to see it wash down the drain fruitlessly. I just can't anymore.