哭不出来

This post, is just as the title says.
It really bothers me, that I am unable to cry, no matter how much my emotions takes over me. I can be so upset that I'm literally drowning in the emotion, and yet, I am unable to cry.

 

Truth be told, I can't remember the last time I cried because of my emotions. I seem to be unable to let it out at all, and if I do cry, it's not even because of my own issues, but because I am watching a drama or something of the likes. And that, is seriously unsatisfying. It doesn't matter how bad I cry. I  can be bawling for that matter, but because I am crying for the characters, and not for myself, it leaves me feeling even more troubled after that. Because, I am unable to cry for what I am feeling.

 

I can't begin to explain, how bad this is. It's been so terrible, that I am getting insomnia because of it. I have so much feels inside of me that needs to be released, but there is just no outlet for it. The tears simply refuse to come. For over three weeks, I have been lying in bed unable to sleep at night, until maybe 3am just because my brain is running amok, and yet I can do nothing to release this inner turmoil. It's getting to be so frustrating, and all I want, is just to be able to have a good cry and get it over with. Yet, it seems like the impossible, akin to trying to push a mountain aside...

 

If you knew me... A few years back, while I was still in secondary school, I was a kid, that cried at the littlest things. I for one, am extremely sensitive and emotional, and was triggered easily. Shit happens, I guess. Ended up crying too much, and perhaps, I've ran out of tears. It's not a nice feeling at all though. To be unable to cry. Because, honestly, we all need to let it out. And being unable to do so is like... being unable to shit. The toxic is kept there, in your body, and it just accumulates.

 

It's really bothering me so much, and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this without combusting. I feel like it's a time bomb inside of me which I have no idea when it's gonna go. And when it does finally bombs, I feel it's going to be bad, kinda like an atomic, and it will probably wreck me apart, with no proper way to be pieced back again.

 

Not that I'm not already broken enough... Considering how I feel like humpty dumpty most days. It's not easy when you feel you lack so much, and just basically, unworthy of the people around you, and unwanted/cast aside by others. It's quite painful in fact... Like hanging on to a cliff just by the tips of your fingers, trying to haul yourself back up, but knowing, it's probably not gonna work out, and just letting go would be so much easier... Or being stuck out in the big ocean, and trying to swim your way to shore although all you see is water for miles...

 

Whatever it is though, I know one thing for sure, and that is that I really need to find a way to release these emotions inside of me, and find a way to get those tears flowing.